Where Am I?

The one thing stuck on my brain this week has been the shaky state of my love life, or rather what exactly I'm doing in singledom...

Do I like being single... yes and no.

I have friends in all stages of relationships.  Married w/ kids, just married about to have kids, just married, engaged, not engaged (and not happy about it), together w/ a side of drama, kinda together, too close for comfort, too distant and slightly separate.  I'm getting to that point in life where it feels like everyone has something going on... but me.

I'm ALWAYS single and I don't date, so I guess that doesn't help the situation much, but I've never really been one who dated.

I went out to happy hour this weekend with no expectations of meeting someone, but I thought I'd at least find someone fun to flirt with... WRONG!  Now me, my homegirl and her friend all clearly "struck out" for the night but damn, they at least had bullshit hollers.  At one point I found myself suddenly dancing alone amongst my girls and their unwanted suitors and I felt like chopped liver.  I mean, my outfit was super cute and the girls looked fantastic, but suddenly I felt like an ass.  If it wasn't for the 9 pamaritas I knocked back I might not have had the liquid courage to keep rockin to the beat.

It's like on one hand I don't want bullshit.  Every time I talk with my girls about their relationship drama I find myself saying "so glad that is NOT my life".  But on the other hand, it would be nice to see what the hell it's like to have someone to call and cooo at, to go out with, to share and giggle with, to call and say dirty things to, to wake up with in the morning.  It takes two to tango and I'm tired of chair dancing on the sidelines.

The worst part is I have no idea if I'm doing something wrong and what that something might be.  Okay, I do admit that I'm picky... or well not so much picky but it's more that I don't go for your typical guy.  I don't just like someone cause they're cute or had on a nice outfit or have a certain type of job.  I'm drawn to personality.  Once I find one I like, I'm kinda hooked.

In the past 3 years I've been in 3... let's call them "situations" -- cause they sure as hell were not relationships.  I feel like at some point in all three I was branded as "relationship girl".  At some point I either did or was accused of wanting more than the other person was looking for in life at the time or from me.  Oddly enough, within a year all three were dating someone, and are still dating that someone.  It kind of makes me go "WHAT THE FUCK!??!"

I'm not one to rush in.  I have been the stupid girl who got her feelings all invested and got all caught up in some man who was completely in capable of having a functional, let alone committed relationship.  I loved him to death and he became one of my closest friends but he hurt me more than anyone (second only to maybe myself) and though he was a JACKASS (big big big jackass) I made a ton of mistakes.  I've forgiven myself for most of them.  I was young, naive, and inexperienced.  Now that I'm older I'm more realistic about men and relationships but even then it's hard to keep picking myself up from rejection.

Last two guys I was interested in really disappointed me.  The first guy was a good friend and so I took him and I gave him the benefit of the doubt a little too much.  We rushed in.  I slept with him way before I should have, mostly because it had been forever and I let Cherry lead me astray, but I feel like that shouldn't really matter.  Either you are interested in someone or you aren't.  It's not that complicated, but he basically when I asked, is there anything going on between us that wasn't between the sheets, he said, while he wasn't looking for a relationship, he was up for hanging out more and seeing where things went.  So... yeah that never happened.  The increased time together never happened and after months of him telling me one thing and doing another, I eventually was just completely over the situation.  It was the first time I actually just completely lost interest in someone.  It was sad.  He showed up one day ready to hang out and that tingly feeling had disappeared and I would preferred a nap.  So, I walked away.

Following that I didn't happen upon anyone I was really attracted to until I ran into an old well I guess we'll go with "crush" for lack of a better word.  Well... nah that's not quite it... 

Let's go with... a guy I thought had potential.  He was cool, I definitely thought he was someone I could kick it with, but last we crossed paths bumped uglies he made a jackass out of himself.  At the time I blamed it on him being young and so I decided it had been a few years, why not try again.  We hooked up.  It was fun.  I wasn't interested in anything more, or rather after our last incident I didn't want to chance anything past a physical connection cause I was not trying to deal with any bullshit.  Things were going great until I named the puppy (Friends reference, either you got it or you didn't).  I found out that the potential ie., that he was actually a person I'd date, was really there.  So I was stuck cause I started to like him, not in terms of feelings... wasn't there yet, but I thought he was someone I wouldn't mind getting to know more (yeah it would have been great to make that determination before we started showing each other our "Oh" faces, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way).  I decided I'd give it a month to see if the "like" thing passed.  I am a woman and sometimes I do get wrapped up in the idea of someone, so I like to give myself time to process before acting on things.  So once I determined it wasn't just a passing notion, I would like to let my guard down a little, get to really know this person and see them more often... they pop up with a relationship...


I was gobsmacked.  Truly just gobsmacked...  My feelings weren't hurt (maybe my ego was a bit) but mostly I was just disappointed.  Here it had taken me almost a year and a 1/2 to identify someone I'd actually consider maybe dating and now... they're taken.  UGH!... BUZZKILL!

So now I'm back to where I was I guess and just kinda at a loss.  I totally didn't see that coming and now I'm just stunned.  Where the hell am I gonna meet someone I'd like?!?  And in the meantime it was like "damn, no more dick, until... ::crickets::  DAMN!"

I already know that the bar/club/lounge scene is not at all where it's at.  I was advised recently to go to a Sports Bar but I think I might be too lazy for that lol.  Today I watched the game on my couch, in a t-shirt and boy shorts, no bra (ahhhh freedom), with a bag of cheese popcorn.  It was awesome!!!  I yelled at the TV, texted my boy to see how the Giants were doing, said a prayer or two about Dallas falling apart so I could heckle some co-workers on Monday and it was great.  I didn't have to curl my hair, put on make-up, pick out clothes, hell... I didn't even have to shower.  It was a nice relaxing Sunday.  Just like I don't always feel like spending my Saturday getting ready for the club, I don't want to spend my Sunday out hunting for men. 

Why can't I just skip ahead to sittin on the couch sharing my popcorn w/ my boo/boyfriend/hunny/baby/whatever and talking shit about my team and/or cheering on our team?

I'm tired of rolling dolo but have no motivation to get out there and "find" somebody...

Also, I don't just jump into bed w/ anyone and there is no one waiting in the wings... FUCK!

Where am I and what the hell am I doing?!?!

*checkout the Single Girl's Blues playlist (hey, at least I'm not snuggled up w/ a bottle of wine and a Mary CD lol)

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