Okay, so I have a confession to make... I am the biggest dork when it comes to Christmas. They say it's was better to give than receive ::pause:: but I'm a big fan of giving and receiving ::double pause::.
Monday I curled up on the couch and watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Yesterday on my way home there was a doowop caroling group assembled on the platform where I transfer trains. Though they sounded a bit like they were rehearsing for Cadence: The Christmas Special, it still put a little bounce in my step. When I arrived at home I was pleased to find my first Christmas card of the season in my mailbox.
I've been feeling a bit behind. I just ordered my Christmas cards yesterday and normally the would have been in the mail. I'm not as close to done with shopping as I'd like and my house is free of fa la la la. Starting on Friday however, I plan to let my cup of holiday cheer runneth over!
I'm getting up bright and early to order some last minute gifts for the kiddies from Amazon. I also need to renew my Rhapsody subscription, at least for the month, so I can get my Christmas music on (check for that blog this weekend). Then, after work I'm headed to finish off my shopping and pick-up some wrapping and decorating supplies. I'll hit up Whole Foods for some fresh garland (yes, real live pine, not that artificial shit) to wrap around the porch. When it warms up against the lights the whole front of the house smells like a pine cone. Then I'll go by the Container Store to pick up boxes and ribbon (I bought my wrapping paper 3 weeks ago... DON'T JUDGE ME!). Yes... I make my own bows by hand for my gifts... I take pride in my presents and I wrap with care.
Saturday I'm taking my niece to take pictures with Santa and then to the ballet to see the Nutcracker! It's her first time :) I love the Nutcracker!!! Afterwards, when I get home, I'll put up my tree and get to decorating the house for the holidays and wrap up all my gifts.
Oooo... and I need to pick out my holiday party outfits. So far I have 4 to go to. Yay Christmas!!!
I can do what she can't do
So much betta I'm for you
So so much betta I'm for you
Why, oh WHY?!? Do men choose to date subpar women?! I'm tired of being passed over. Most of the men I've kicked it with in the the last few years have decidedly not wanted to persue anything serious with me and then within months end up dating some random ass chick. What is that about? And to add insult to injury the turn into long term entanglements, and I'm looking at the girl, and then at myself and find myself saying "are you fucking kidding me?!"
Prime example. This kid I used to be into was dating this one girl off an on for years. He has aspirations of being a lawyer or even President someday but he stayed dating this balled-up brawd and I keep thinking "how does she really fit into your future?" You can't take a chick w/ a gel weave to the office holiday party and introduce her to the firm partners as your "better half".
Forget your basic upgrade... let me revitalize your circumstances. Is your life stagnat, well instead of letting that mosquito of a girlfriend suck all the life force out of you ::pause:: let me help you help yourself. The season isn't over, let's review the tape, pull out the play book and plan our strategy. I'm allergic to mediocrity, if I catch you slippin I will help you step it up. At the same time if you're on point I will be sure to have my shit together. I always play my position. Need me to be eye candy for evening... got you. Need me to be a boss and bad bitch my way into that item the store said was unavailable... no problem.
Does she do it like me?
Does she work that body?
Throw that ass like pu-pump-pump-pu-pump that hottie...
I'll let you see me, I'll covet your regard
I'll invade your demeanor
And you'll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
And you'll wonder what it is about me
Most bitches can't hold a candle to me. Fact. I have a certain je ne sais quoi and you won't ever forget me.
If you want too feel me baby
Better be divine
Bring me water for these flowers
Growing out my mind
Give me nothin' just be gentle
Breathe love in my air
Use me, don't abuse me, love me
Cause these herbs are rare
I found myself sitting on my couch this weekend, and took stock of my life. I'm 27, college educated (at one of the top 3 schools in my field no less), gainfully employed and have no kids. I'm well rounded, not hoodie but street savvy. I can throw down in the kitchen, in the bedroom, and in the boardroom. I take care of myself, I try to keep it taunt (we're working on tight), I take my vitamins, keep my hair, nails and toes, correct. I'm sweet, thoughtful and caring. I like sports, I like the arts. Though not a home owner, I will most likely inherit the building I currently occupy... so... where's the down side? Why am I still single?
I dunno why but I do know I'm not settling for bullshit. I don't kick it to just anyone. It takes someone special to catch my interest which is why I think I find it so disappointing when I find someone I think is a contender, who will really challenge me as a partner, decides to take a lower card when they could be in the title fight. I want someone who will nurture me as I nurture them. I'm special so I want someone just as special...
I think I have a talent for gift giving. It's one of my favorite things to do. To me it's the best part of Christmas (yes even better than receiving). There's nothing more awesome to see someones face light all up and knowing that you put that glow there.
Since I don't have anyone significant to lavish upon, I figured I'd put together a quick guide to some of my favorite gift ideas for those who are gifting challenged:
To me the key to successful gift selection is honing on the things your boo loves then most and then finding the best whatever that is... here are some examples -
Hood men -
Does your sweetie rock a hoodie 24/7, 365? Is he the type that will throw on a hoodie over his dress shirt? Why not take him to the next level w/ this:
Sampson Slipper by Ugg - $104
or if he has the swag to pull it off, opt for these:
Stubbs & Wootton Slippers - $350
If you boo likes to take a toke, instead of a Zippo lighter that he's likely to loose, opt for these:
Are you dating a muscle man who lives in the gym? Does his body look great but his gym bag looks like he'd been using it as a punching bag? Do you just have a bunch of extra cash lying around? Then this gift is for you (for him):
Protect Yo Paper -
I had a Black man explain to me recently that men (or at least Black men) are impervious to water (this was after I inquired as to why he was walking out in the rain w/ no umbrella and why he refused to stand under mine). While he maybe be waterproof, I'm pretty sure his canvas messenger bag was not. If you're dating Aqua Man, get him some waterproof gear to go with his natural suit of armor:
I have more where this came from... check back for updates throughout the shopping season!! :o)
A different mood or time.
I told him what the first one was,
told him where the second one came from.
I remembered them all...
And for the first time, I felt... beautiful,
finally part of the earth.
I touched the soil,
and he loved me back"
Pillsbury Break N Bake Cookies - 2.99
Shiraz Cabernet - 5.64
1 Gal. Spring Water - 1.29
0.5lbs Lobster Claws - 4.45
I'm impressed w/ my own bougieness... Lol
Nothing says late 20s and single like chocolate, wine, water and LOBSTER! I had all the essentials. The water keeps me hydrated, my skin fresh and my body healthy. The chocolate chip cookies provide a little decadence. I love savoring the fullness of a bold, perfectly aged red wine, makes me feel like a grown-up. And the lobster gives that hint of luxury I was missing these last few weeks.
Or maybe what I'm looking for is a refreshing and well matured chocolaty man with a bent towards luxuriousness.
Now some women might be offended by this, but with and alias like "Cherry Virtuocity", clearly I'm not of that ilk. I did however want to know who this bitch was.
I was at work and I was certain a google image search for Kandee Lixx would produce all sorts of "not safe for work" content so I looked her up on my phone and surprisingly the first image that came up was a headshot.
Looking at Ms Lixx, I really saw no resemblance between us. She has a fairer complextion, she was thinner, and rocking a long hawaiian silky (weave for those who don't know). About the only thing I could see that we had in common were big boobs (tittaaaaaays!!! ::doing a chest giggle::)
I finally decided to call my former boo (he hates that particular term of endearment..lol) and asked what in the WORLD about this chick reminded him of me. Clearly I was missing something. Did we have similar labia? I mean I just was kinda stumped.
As I waiting for him to pick up, in my head I could here him going on about how in some particular flick he'd seen, Ms Lixx
I was wrong.
He asked me if I had really taken a good look at her. I tried to download one of her flicks on my computer at home, but I couldn't find any featuring Ms Lixx on Limewire. He directed me to some random site and I was able to see the lady work. So I'm watching this clip of her doing her thing and he began commentating, talking about her ass, the curve of her waist, her hips... Slowly I realized that in his head ::pause:: this is what I looked like.
At first I was certain that this was all just a pussy ploy, and yeah I'm sure it was in part, but also, he really sees my body like this. I'm looking at this woman who in my opinion has a much better body than I do (though I think her makeup was over done, my hair is real and styled better and, in fact, my labia trump hers!) and here he is drooling over what he considers to be an okay substitute for the real thing (yes that would be me... I'm am in fact just like a bottle of Coke, curvy, classic and always a crowd pleaser).
It was an unexpected ego boost that came in a most unordinary form. I guess I shouldn't be so critical of myself. I am in fact, just as sexy as I think I am.
- Terribly outdated game - One dude tried the old "I'm a jackass" game. Now this used to work when I was a freshman. Fell for that shit hard. He started off making a ton of asshole comments to throw me off my game and make me feel a bit insecure. Then swooped in later that evening w/ an indecent proposal which is supposed to then make me feel all confident and pick me back up, tricking me into playing myself... AAAAHHHHNT! WRONG!!!! I'm 27 not 17. Try again ...oh and that he did. He followed up with the guilt game. He asked to sleep in my bed and acted like he was just asking something innocent... "what?! why can't I just sleep in your bed?!" Then when I got tired of playing that game and told him I was going to bed and he should leave, I got the "damn, you just gonna kick me out?!?" YES SIR! I AM! GOODNIGHT!
- Way Too Eager - The one guy who had a fighting chance (until I remembered that he was recently married) was of course the youngest of the bunch. He has a decent approach. He managed to pop up randomly throughout the weekend, say something funny and/or cute and just keep it moving. He didn't crowd me but always reminded me he was there and dote and flirt a bit. Then waited til the last night to show me a bit more focused attention... but he fucked up by scrambling at the end of the night. It was like his dick was gonna turn into a pumpkin at 2am. He started running around the room like a man trying to save a sinking ship. He must have run around to every woman on his "list" checking in, trying to make sure he had something for the night. Soon as I saw him running around from chick to chick it was a wrap. I couldn't understand why he was suddenly so desperate and then I remembered I'd heard he had got married a few months back. I'm like WTF!?!? You would think his whole reason for showing up was to get some ass other than what he had at home. Like damn son! Don't give me the impression that you packed your Trojans first. That's not sexy!
- Take it from Daddy - So the oldest of the group tried to hit me with the "let me give you some advice (and some dick)" game. He starts out by asking me if I'm single and then asking why and what my opinion was about the dating scene. Here he's trying to woo me in by letting me talk (which most women love). Then he starts to tell me about his wife. I think this was somehow so supposed to make him seem less threatening, making me uh... "trust" him. Then he starts to give me advice about not giving up on young men... "Oh, how endearing... NOT!" He ends by telling me all about his wonderful wife... while trying to play footsie with me and making jokes about what turns him on... ::side eye:: back up Daddy... it's not going down.
I WantI've Got Your Back - The most disturbing advances came from a former mentor of sorts. Someone who I used to think of as more of an ally than a predator. I was happy to see that person who looked out when I was struggling college kid. But then he hugged me a bit too tightly, seemed a little too happy to see me and then leaned in at happy hour to say that he "always had my back and I should holla at him if I ever needed anything" with extra emphasis and a side squeeze, AND bedroom eyes on that anything... NO YOU DIDN'T!?!? Ugh! See... now I can't ask you for ANYTHING, cause I know you want something. What a disappointment! And don't you have a wife and three kids!?!?! Go home Roger!
I dunno if you watch Nip/Tuck (it's a great show), but tonight's episode kinda threw me for one. You know how sometimes a show can like illustrate your worst fear, or maybe show you a truth you didn't wanna know... yeah, it was one of those episodes.
So there's this kid Christian on the show. He's the guy every man wants to be; super arrogant, crazy cocky, a paid ass plastic surgeon, completely pampered. He's has a ridiculous apartment and is always having some out of control sexual escapade.
I've never been able to watch the show religiously, but in the last two seasons I've seen him have a number of threesomes with these ridiculously gorgeous women, the most recent of which was with a mother and daughter. He's the biggest jack ass you've ever seen. He slept w/ a big girl but made her wear a bag on her head... no literally I big brown paper bag...
So, he's had this off and on relationship with this chick Kimber who's an off and on porn star (I'm sure you assumed that as soon as you read the name). They're both equally fucked up, but somehow Christian always manages to screw Kimber over. Everytime she leaves him and kinda gets her life together, he squirms his way back in. Last season they got engaged and he went on this whole long thing about being in love with her and how he wasn't for monogomy but could be with her, "you complete me" the whole shpeel. Oh, and of couse... he shitted on her not too long after that.
This season Kimber has REALLY gotten it together. Okay, so she's become a scientologist... BUT she's content with her life.
Christian on the other hand fell in love with this one chick then fucked it all up by being his jack ass self. So what does he do next...
That's right, he runs right to Kimber's house... no literally the same damn day. He shows up drunk off his ass and looking pitiful. So of course she lets him in.
He says he needs her help. He figured maybe if Scientology helped her then maybe it will work for him. He said all the things that sounded like he was ready to make a change in his life. He was so helpless and in need. Then he pushed up on her, gave her the "I know you want me. Don't you still think about me?...blah, blah, talk panties off, blah"
So Kimber gives in, they're fucking on the counter tops etc.
Cut to after. Kimber is lounging all happy on the couch. She walks to the bedroom and slides into the nook, looking all fulfilled and happy and says "let's just lock ourselves in and order takeout and make love all weekend", Christian says no, he has to go to work. Kimber makes a second offer to meet up with him at her church.
Christian gets up to get dressed and says "are you fucking kidding me? I'm not going to some wacko bullshit!" She gets that confused look like "but you said..."
Here's the priceless part:
Christian cuts her off, "I said what I always say... whatever it takes to get laid." (jack ass smirk on face)
Kimber retorts, "How can you be so cruel! Why come to me?!?!? Why not just fuck one of your whores!!!!?!?!?"
His response (this made me cringe), "Whores?, they just give you their body. I needed more than that. I needed to feel like the most important thing in the world. So I came to you."
She then proceeded to smack the shit out of him and he kinda laughed her off and threw her on the bed and walked out...
Now, most dudes have NO WHERE NEAR the balls to say some shit like that and be that straight forward and blunt with someone...
HOWEVER, damned if that shit didn't ring true some where. I actually had to change the channel cause it really disturbed me. I had to stop and think... is that why me?
I've had so many of my female friends come to me with "why?"
Why did he lie?
Why does he play with my feelings?
Why does he always come back to me if he doesn't want to be with me?
If he had a girl, was in love with her, was not interested, was not feeling me, if I wasn't the one, if I wasn't his type, if I wasn't x, y, or z?
Is it because we loved them? Is it because we made them feel loved and they knew we'd give it to them without knowing for sure we'd get it in return? Are they just using us?
And though I know it's been said a million times, a million ways, seeing it like that... it was never truer.
This week I've been celebrating my return to the virtual world by diving headfirst into one of my favorite past times; downloading music and making playlists.
* (side note: so the gatekeepers over at Verizon have managed to somehow block me from using Limewire and my old trust Bearshare has been severely downgraded in the 369 days since I last logged in... If anyone else knows a good option please hit me up)
I make all manner of playlist but my personal favorite has always been the Baby Makin Mix. The Baby Makin Music is a strictly R&B mix for makin’ (or in most of our cases, practicing) babies. I have three existing volumes (checkout a taste of them on the right; note there are some songs I couldn’t find online, and a few tasty interludes that I couldn't replicate but something is better than nothin) the first was a masterful mix of some of my favorite moisture inducing tracks from high school and my freshman year. The second was a smoother compilation, paying tribute to the “grown and sexy” movement. The third and my personal favorite was a throwback to the original masters of baby makin, a libido stirring, soulful concoction, fueled by the instrumentation of the soul music of the 1970s.
So I sat at the terminal in the confines of my laboratory, ready to cast another spell of intoxication and brew my musical stew... when I found myself stumped, stymied (and slightly tipsy, 1/2 way into a great bottle of Chardonnay) with very little progress. I was discovering there weren't many songs worthy of a mix. Generally I approach my mixes like you would a good piece of jewelry. I browse through albums and select the gems that stand out from each artist’s catalog. Then I go through and pick out the ones that shine but also complement each other, and then carefully and thoughtfully arrange them to craft the perfect mix.
This process was road blocked at step one. I was digging for pearls in the rubble of the house that love built. What is really good with 3&B and soul music today?! Carl Thomas… what happened? I heard you were last seen w/ a 40 in one hand, and a j in the other, in a corner of Puff's garage. Then you came back with a super sub-par album… Damn! If 112 made it to a second album, so can you! Maxwell? Is that you? Crawl from under that bed w/ that crusty ass stiletto (you know you remember that video) and get back to what you do best...
What happened to the backseat slow jams? The track that's supposed to get me wide open and willing to rock anytime, anyplace? I know there have been a handful of radio hits but seriously folks, Falsetto is not a panty dropper. I love I Luv Your Girl, so no disrespect to The-Dream, but Bed is close but no cigar [insert your own inappropriate Monica Lewinski joke].
Who's out now in R&B?
That kid who sings falsetto -- the fact that I can't remember his name says it all
Lloyd – he’s good for a catchy seat dance in the car/flirty grind in the club track, but that’s about it
Lyfe Jennings -- after that S.E.X. nonsense I can see that his attempts to be relevant will keep him from being relevant to this conversation
Usher – his new album is just like his choice in women… disappointing
Ne-yo – too tangy to tango to (I know… great alliteration… if you don’t know what that is ::pause:: do better!)
Alicia Keys – some good songs to dance to w/ your boo at your cousin’s wedding, or post up on your myspace when you have a new crush, but no baby makers
Chris Brown – I’m not taking my clothes off to songs sung by children
Pretty Ricky – … let’s not even discuss this just insert a rant about fuckery [here]
T-Pain?!?! – Hells No!
Where are the crooners? Is no one willing to sing a sista’s panties off anymore?
I dug into the crates like Scarlet O’Hara after they burned down Terra and pulled up a few yams to keep me from going hungry (I know… bizarre reference, but if you have seen Gone With the Wind, you know it works!)
Here’s what I got:
Jill Scott – Come See Me, Crown Royal, Epiphany
Robin Thicke – Teach You a Lesson
Raheem DeVaughn – You, Breathe, Desire, Midnight (interlude), Marathon
Floetry – Closer, Lay Down
Janet – Moist (and BOOO!! to Discipline… it was just kinda over the top, even for Ms. Jackson)
Ciara – Promise (I know… it’s a stretch but I’m desperate here)
Umm…. Yeah, that’s all I got at the moment
Anybody? Suggestions? Comments?!?