Pillsbury Break N Bake Cookies - 2.99
Shiraz Cabernet - 5.64
1 Gal. Spring Water - 1.29
0.5lbs Lobster Claws - 4.45
I'm impressed w/ my own bougieness... Lol
Nothing says late 20s and single like chocolate, wine, water and LOBSTER! I had all the essentials. The water keeps me hydrated, my skin fresh and my body healthy. The chocolate chip cookies provide a little decadence. I love savoring the fullness of a bold, perfectly aged red wine, makes me feel like a grown-up. And the lobster gives that hint of luxury I was missing these last few weeks.
Or maybe what I'm looking for is a refreshing and well matured chocolaty man with a bent towards luxuriousness.
Now some women might be offended by this, but with and alias like "Cherry Virtuocity", clearly I'm not of that ilk. I did however want to know who this bitch was.
I was at work and I was certain a google image search for Kandee Lixx would produce all sorts of "not safe for work" content so I looked her up on my phone and surprisingly the first image that came up was a headshot.
Looking at Ms Lixx, I really saw no resemblance between us. She has a fairer complextion, she was thinner, and rocking a long hawaiian silky (weave for those who don't know). About the only thing I could see that we had in common were big boobs (tittaaaaaays!!! ::doing a chest giggle::)
I finally decided to call my former boo (he hates that particular term of endearment..lol) and asked what in the WORLD about this chick reminded him of me. Clearly I was missing something. Did we have similar labia? I mean I just was kinda stumped.
As I waiting for him to pick up, in my head I could here him going on about how in some particular flick he'd seen, Ms Lixx
I was wrong.
He asked me if I had really taken a good look at her. I tried to download one of her flicks on my computer at home, but I couldn't find any featuring Ms Lixx on Limewire. He directed me to some random site and I was able to see the lady work. So I'm watching this clip of her doing her thing and he began commentating, talking about her ass, the curve of her waist, her hips... Slowly I realized that in his head ::pause:: this is what I looked like.
At first I was certain that this was all just a pussy ploy, and yeah I'm sure it was in part, but also, he really sees my body like this. I'm looking at this woman who in my opinion has a much better body than I do (though I think her makeup was over done, my hair is real and styled better and, in fact, my labia trump hers!) and here he is drooling over what he considers to be an okay substitute for the real thing (yes that would be me... I'm am in fact just like a bottle of Coke, curvy, classic and always a crowd pleaser).
It was an unexpected ego boost that came in a most unordinary form. I guess I shouldn't be so critical of myself. I am in fact, just as sexy as I think I am.
- Terribly outdated game - One dude tried the old "I'm a jackass" game. Now this used to work when I was a freshman. Fell for that shit hard. He started off making a ton of asshole comments to throw me off my game and make me feel a bit insecure. Then swooped in later that evening w/ an indecent proposal which is supposed to then make me feel all confident and pick me back up, tricking me into playing myself... AAAAHHHHNT! WRONG!!!! I'm 27 not 17. Try again ...oh and that he did. He followed up with the guilt game. He asked to sleep in my bed and acted like he was just asking something innocent... "what?! why can't I just sleep in your bed?!" Then when I got tired of playing that game and told him I was going to bed and he should leave, I got the "damn, you just gonna kick me out?!?" YES SIR! I AM! GOODNIGHT!
- Way Too Eager - The one guy who had a fighting chance (until I remembered that he was recently married) was of course the youngest of the bunch. He has a decent approach. He managed to pop up randomly throughout the weekend, say something funny and/or cute and just keep it moving. He didn't crowd me but always reminded me he was there and dote and flirt a bit. Then waited til the last night to show me a bit more focused attention... but he fucked up by scrambling at the end of the night. It was like his dick was gonna turn into a pumpkin at 2am. He started running around the room like a man trying to save a sinking ship. He must have run around to every woman on his "list" checking in, trying to make sure he had something for the night. Soon as I saw him running around from chick to chick it was a wrap. I couldn't understand why he was suddenly so desperate and then I remembered I'd heard he had got married a few months back. I'm like WTF!?!? You would think his whole reason for showing up was to get some ass other than what he had at home. Like damn son! Don't give me the impression that you packed your Trojans first. That's not sexy!
- Take it from Daddy - So the oldest of the group tried to hit me with the "let me give you some advice (and some dick)" game. He starts out by asking me if I'm single and then asking why and what my opinion was about the dating scene. Here he's trying to woo me in by letting me talk (which most women love). Then he starts to tell me about his wife. I think this was somehow so supposed to make him seem less threatening, making me uh... "trust" him. Then he starts to give me advice about not giving up on young men... "Oh, how endearing... NOT!" He ends by telling me all about his wonderful wife... while trying to play footsie with me and making jokes about what turns him on... ::side eye:: back up Daddy... it's not going down.
I WantI've Got Your Back - The most disturbing advances came from a former mentor of sorts. Someone who I used to think of as more of an ally than a predator. I was happy to see that person who looked out when I was struggling college kid. But then he hugged me a bit too tightly, seemed a little too happy to see me and then leaned in at happy hour to say that he "always had my back and I should holla at him if I ever needed anything" with extra emphasis and a side squeeze, AND bedroom eyes on that anything... NO YOU DIDN'T!?!? Ugh! See... now I can't ask you for ANYTHING, cause I know you want something. What a disappointment! And don't you have a wife and three kids!?!?! Go home Roger!
I dunno if you watch Nip/Tuck (it's a great show), but tonight's episode kinda threw me for one. You know how sometimes a show can like illustrate your worst fear, or maybe show you a truth you didn't wanna know... yeah, it was one of those episodes.
So there's this kid Christian on the show. He's the guy every man wants to be; super arrogant, crazy cocky, a paid ass plastic surgeon, completely pampered. He's has a ridiculous apartment and is always having some out of control sexual escapade.
I've never been able to watch the show religiously, but in the last two seasons I've seen him have a number of threesomes with these ridiculously gorgeous women, the most recent of which was with a mother and daughter. He's the biggest jack ass you've ever seen. He slept w/ a big girl but made her wear a bag on her head... no literally I big brown paper bag...
So, he's had this off and on relationship with this chick Kimber who's an off and on porn star (I'm sure you assumed that as soon as you read the name). They're both equally fucked up, but somehow Christian always manages to screw Kimber over. Everytime she leaves him and kinda gets her life together, he squirms his way back in. Last season they got engaged and he went on this whole long thing about being in love with her and how he wasn't for monogomy but could be with her, "you complete me" the whole shpeel. Oh, and of couse... he shitted on her not too long after that.
This season Kimber has REALLY gotten it together. Okay, so she's become a scientologist... BUT she's content with her life.
Christian on the other hand fell in love with this one chick then fucked it all up by being his jack ass self. So what does he do next...
That's right, he runs right to Kimber's house... no literally the same damn day. He shows up drunk off his ass and looking pitiful. So of course she lets him in.
He says he needs her help. He figured maybe if Scientology helped her then maybe it will work for him. He said all the things that sounded like he was ready to make a change in his life. He was so helpless and in need. Then he pushed up on her, gave her the "I know you want me. Don't you still think about me?...blah, blah, talk panties off, blah"
So Kimber gives in, they're fucking on the counter tops etc.
Cut to after. Kimber is lounging all happy on the couch. She walks to the bedroom and slides into the nook, looking all fulfilled and happy and says "let's just lock ourselves in and order takeout and make love all weekend", Christian says no, he has to go to work. Kimber makes a second offer to meet up with him at her church.
Christian gets up to get dressed and says "are you fucking kidding me? I'm not going to some wacko bullshit!" She gets that confused look like "but you said..."
Here's the priceless part:
Christian cuts her off, "I said what I always say... whatever it takes to get laid." (jack ass smirk on face)
Kimber retorts, "How can you be so cruel! Why come to me?!?!? Why not just fuck one of your whores!!!!?!?!?"
His response (this made me cringe), "Whores?, they just give you their body. I needed more than that. I needed to feel like the most important thing in the world. So I came to you."
She then proceeded to smack the shit out of him and he kinda laughed her off and threw her on the bed and walked out...
Now, most dudes have NO WHERE NEAR the balls to say some shit like that and be that straight forward and blunt with someone...
HOWEVER, damned if that shit didn't ring true some where. I actually had to change the channel cause it really disturbed me. I had to stop and think... is that why me?
I've had so many of my female friends come to me with "why?"
Why did he lie?
Why does he play with my feelings?
Why does he always come back to me if he doesn't want to be with me?
If he had a girl, was in love with her, was not interested, was not feeling me, if I wasn't the one, if I wasn't his type, if I wasn't x, y, or z?
Is it because we loved them? Is it because we made them feel loved and they knew we'd give it to them without knowing for sure we'd get it in return? Are they just using us?
And though I know it's been said a million times, a million ways, seeing it like that... it was never truer.